centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
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I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t