anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
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18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.