absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
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Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
The old gods are rising again.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?