I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
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They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*