You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
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Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
hmm conte-me mais
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
This kid will have a bright future.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL