chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
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These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.