The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
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But I really needed water water water
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
next question.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid: