He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
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Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
I’ll be mad as hell!
c’mon!
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*