If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
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I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Potatoes were such a good idea
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.