Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
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When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Put a ring on it
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
How it started How it’s going
meanwhile over on facebook
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.