*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
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Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret