Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
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Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.