The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
You Might Also Like
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Lmbo
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.