moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
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It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.