ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
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Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
May have had one breakfast too many
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.