I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
You Might Also Like
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*