Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
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For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
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MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Discuss
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
This was the best day of my life
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.