Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
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“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own