You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
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Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
then why did i get this email
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.