If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
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Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me