Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
You Might Also Like
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.