It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
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It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Knock Knock
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Otters see a butterfly.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
This is a bad sign
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist