One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
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Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.