People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
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[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Fiction has to make sense.