Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
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Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Natty or not?
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.