Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
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Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
I see your IQ test came back negative
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?