i’m so old i’m almost back in style
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Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Breaking news:
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”