*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
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An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
🤣dope
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
🤣
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
just pretend nothing happened
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
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