Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
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Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it