Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
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[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
courtroom exchange of the day
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.