“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
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People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage