Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
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And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
My guardian angel deserves a raise
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.