How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
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I was up all night reading about insomnia
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Still cracks me up
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Is your wife single?