Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
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I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
sigh
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
i will avenge u mr van gogh
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay