Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
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My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Meat Cute
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
The photographer’s assistant
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.