I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
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BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.