I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
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[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved