According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
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Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Thrilling chase underway
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.