This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
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A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Mornin
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.