Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
You Might Also Like
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
translated into Canadian
favorite tropes as memes
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”