[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
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After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
He wanted to make sure😂
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣