Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
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Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
My whole life was a lie.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.