Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
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When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Bond. Trauma bond.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.