Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
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i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no