99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
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As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.