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Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Every photo I’m tagged in
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay