[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
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Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
The three genders.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.