Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
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[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Every. Damn. Time.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
same vibe as tangled headphones
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I will never stop laughing at this
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.