Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
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Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Eat…
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.