Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
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[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828